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Last updated on:
December 31, 2007 18:18
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In memory of the Pillsbury Doughboy
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death.
What's that, a bonus?
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating. You finish off as an orgasm."
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house. " (Steven Seagal)
"See...the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. " (Robin Williams)
"If
a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she
will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is
a man on base. " (Dave Barry)
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. " (Bob Ettinger)
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. " (Roseanne)
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law. " (Jerry Seinfeld)
"Sometimes
I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. "
(Paul Rodriguez)
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. " (A. Whitney Brown)
"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car. " (unknown)
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. "
"Once over the hill, you pick up speed."
"Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film."
"Some days are a total waste of makeup."
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
"Middle
age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places."
"Opportunities always look bigger going than coming."
"Junk
is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before
you need it."
"Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake
when
you make it again."
"By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends."
Barbara
Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War.
She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their
husbands.
She
returned to Kuwait recently and observed that
the men now walked several yards behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, "This is marvellous.
Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this
reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.
A
recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men
preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days starting with the letter
" T ". Example of those days:
Tuesday
Thursday
Thanksgiving
Today
Tomorrow
Thaturday and Thunday
In memory of the Pillsbury Doughboy
The
Pillsbury Doughboy passed away yesterday of a yeast infection and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 72.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased casket. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and
Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.
As longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, she described
Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose
quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough
on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still,
as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough
and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
A woman was
shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a
half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of
eggs, a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb.
can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package
of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on
the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched
as she placed the items in front
of the cashier. While the cashier
was ringing up her purchases,
the drunk calmly stated, "You must
be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this
proclamation, but she was
equally intrigued by the derelict's
intuition, since she was indeed
single. She looked at her six items
on the belt and saw nothing
particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off her
drunken observer to her marital
status.
Curiosity getting the better of her,
she said, "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely correct. But
how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're
ugly."
London, UK, Reuters.....
At Heathrow
Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher,
was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a
protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities
believe that he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being
charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Your last
name stays put.
The garage
is all yours.
Wedding
plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is
just another snack.
You can be
president.
You can wear
a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car
mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is
your urinal.
You never
have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work,
more pay.
Wrinkles add
character.
Wedding
dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never
stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The
occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes
don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood,
ALL the time.
Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know
stuff about tanks.
A five-day
vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open
all your own jars.
You get
extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone
forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your
underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything
on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs
of shoes are more than enough.
You don't
have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost
never have strap problems in public
You are
unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't
have to shave below your neck.
Your belly
usually hides your big hips.
One wallet
and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do"
your nails with a pocketknife.
You have
freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do
Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 min.
Inner peace
I'm passing this
along to you as I consider you a valued friend. This worked for me and I think
it may work
for you. I have
found Inner Peace. Recently I read an article that stated:
"The best way to achieve inner peace is to Finish Things You Have Started."
So today I finished two large bags of potato chips, the last half of a lemon cream pie, a nearly full bottle of Jose Cuervo, a small box of Godiva Chocolates and I slapped the living shit out of someone I have never liked. I feel better now than I have for a long time.
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE
BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the
letters: DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the
letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the
letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange
the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange
the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS
NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange
the letters: WOMAN HITLER
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange
the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange
the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange
the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS